Lord Ilpalazzo's little but very big problem
by Flanowa Hoppscotter
Summary: Once again the great lord has summoned Excel to complete another mission but this one is a personal problem of the great lord.


Disclaimer: Look, I did not come up with the ingenious creation that is Excel saga. That was some other guy. I refuse to be held responsible for copying because that is bad and no that is not a rubber chicken in my pants.

Rated PG-13 for extreme stupidity

Lord Ilpalazzo's Problem

Chapter 1

One fine morning Lord Ilpalazzo was sitting in his garden trimming his weeds and listening to the wonderful sound of the happy birds chirping chipperly all around. The sun was warm and gentle on his face just like a baby's ass but a little more live velvet for the sake of sanitation, and for the great Lord's beautiful face. Excel was nowhere to be seen and he was quite content with himself for he didn't have the purple rope to pull in case if she did appear. Life was a never-ending cycle of perfection for this wonderful moment. Then the screaming Hello Kitty alarm clock began to ring.

The great Lord opened his eyes from the pleasant slumber and groaned at the thought of sitting in his damned throne all day again. Eventually the Lord stood up and walked to the thrown room and sat on the throne in despair, he longed to be outside again. Then with a loud thump on the floor Excel had fallen through the roof again and splattered against her dead partner on the floor that didn't move but rather burst into a thousand parts on the floor. Lord Ilpalazzo watched the head of his second agent roll along the floor like tumbleweed and looked at Excel as Excel took in a bug breath to begin blurting out an explanation as to what as happening.

"ExcelÉdon't say anythingÉI have your new assignment," belted the mighty Lord before she could get any word out.

"What is it my lord? Is it more fighting with terrorist monkeys, or another round of high school baseball with all the degenerate youth? Oh please don't make Excel do that again. She's weary of those types. Or is it to find a better meaning of this show because it really really sucks!?-

"Excel be silent!" exclaimed the mighty Lord as he wrapped his fingers and palm around the purple rope ready to yank on it. "I have your new mission and it isn't from HQ. You see Excel? ÉI long for somethingÉsomething I have not had in a long time," he posed dramatically, "I long to be outside again! I long to have the sun on my face and I want to work in my garden again! I want to commute with nature and live like a free man!!!

Excel stood up and twisted her head in confusion and looked at the lord as a dramatic spot light turned on to her and she though ÔMy...My Lord. He is speaking like a fruit topping. Is he? ÉNo he can't be. What about that time he looked at me and winked right before he pulled that rope? ÉWhat is he doing? É Is he trying to rid himself of Excel? É Is my lord Gay!?

Excel fell backward at the Lord's next loud belt of frustration "Are you listening Excel!?" Then Excel stood again and nodded "Yes sir! É and É um É why don't you just walk out the door if you want to be outside? Excel doesn't understand

At this the Lord raised his hand high and pulled the purple rope making Excel fall through the floor as he began belting out in anger again "Look at my shoulders! Do you honestly think that I can fit through that door when I am like this? I haven't been outside in 17 years! Why do you think my social skills and sex life are at an all time low?" he paused for a big heaving breath before finishing louder, " Now go and find me a way to get out of here!

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Excel fell a long way until she finally landed with a soft bump and everything was black. She couldn't se a thing but she felt that she had landed on a soft pad of some sort.

When Excel opened her eyes she crawled to the highest point of the darkness that she could get to. She reached for the light switch that she could barely make out along the wall. She struggles and tripped this way and then and then the darkness moved and she was free to flip the switch. When she did she saw a mass of skin tone that was in a round shape taking up most of the room. Is that what she was standing on? It them moved and Excel grew silent and shimmied far back to the door wit her eyes as wide as dinner plates. When she felt a door knob hit the back of her head she jumped and turned to open the door and fly out when on the other side she was greeted by yet another mass but there were two this time. 

Excel could no longer contain herself as she screamed in horror at the mass of gooey things in front of her when she heard a loud and very feminine voice. "SHUT UP!" it yelled in a sleep tone. "I'm trying to get some sleep!" shouted another from the next room. They sounded like the Olsen twins. Just then another door opened and there was another voice this time it sounded like Britney Spears but when she was in the Mickey Mouse Club. Excel was greatly confused by this and hid in the corner and sucked her thumb in a fetal position.

After a moment of silence the mass that was in the original room moved and rolled toward her it seemed that there were two masses just like in the other room. It appeared that there was a face attached to it. It was the face of the young Britney before she got popular and became ugly. She was the Mickey Mouse club girl she was before. The lumps of skin tone appeared to be gargantuan breasts. Excel's eyes opened wide as her back was to the corner and Britney's voice rang out to her from across the room. "Welcome to the care center for overly developed adolescents where we all act as care givers to the grotesquely over developed child stars that have become victims to societies views of beauty.

Excel had though that that would have to be one big sign in the front to say all that and stood again to the seemingly friendly and very large Britney as it spoke again. "I am a clone of Britney Spears that the United States government created when trying to make the perfect female. The experiment went horrible wrong as you can see and I am stuck in this room forever because of my endowment." 

Excel though and then her eyes got wide again when she compared this problem to the one of her great Lord. Then she spoke "Well you see I am here to find some way to get my authority through a door too. He happens to be endowed with very large shouldersÉis there any way you can help me?" When Excel was finished speaking Britney thought and looked down as much as she could [which wasn't far considering her very large breasts had taken over her neck as well]. "Well we use a special lubrication to help some of the smaller girls to get in and out of their rooms every now and then, but the plant required to make it grows on Mount Doom. If you want to help your Lord you must obtain it. It only grows above large lava pools. Actually Mount Doom happens to be right across the road from the entrance here. If you go now you may make it back by morning.

Excel jumped in delight and squealed in joy "Excel will retrieve all of the plants that she can not only to help her lord but she will also get enough to help all of you poor girls with your problematic situations!" With that Excel ran down the stairs and out the front door and across the road as she was given a great fare well of arms waiving to her out of the windows. It was dark and she looked around in fear of not knowing where to go next except for the only way she could goÉup 

~ station break music plays ~ Excel is lost


End file.
